@SCBamaMan: As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.
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@LurkAtHomeMom: 4: How do you spell no? Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound? 4: Batman? (Spelling is hard)
@sarcasm_inc: Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir
@titanrn: Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.
@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out