@SCBamaMan: As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.
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@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@ScottLinnen: Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.