My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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The internet is full of many things
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.