@SCBamaMan: As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.
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@david8hughes: [painting a picture of the last supper] "Who's that?" "Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?" "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."
@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: What's ur emer- DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON DOG 911: So DOG: HE'S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG
@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
@WheelTod: It's amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.