That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
You Might Also Like
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING