As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Order here:
More here:
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.