“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
it is time once again
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM