@HatfieldAnne: “As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it's “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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@Cali_Kid_Mike: If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] (don't let her know you're an alien larva) Her: I wonder where he is? *I burst through her chest* Me: Did you order yet? I'm starved
@somewhatalady: "Everyone says they're voting for Clinton or Trump, but I'm voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus."
@Tacet_no_more: I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice "NO...Bad Bear"?