As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort