As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.