@ComedicBust: As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn't say our wedding ones. Anyway, here's my dog and I wearing hats
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@Donna_McCoy: Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, "summer bodies are made in the winter" so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
@SamDelanche: Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital... Learned that one the hard way.
@aveuaskew: Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
@jwoodham: It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.