Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You Might Also Like
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Stop sending me this shit.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Egyptians don’t walk like that.