As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???