@mommywhitfield: As the mother of two kids under 5, I'm always playing a game I call "Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?"
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@kwirkyKerri: All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should've just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.
@HiddleDeeDee: Just cleaned out my desk. Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp. Good news: I found the plane!
@InternetHippo: BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed” [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
@KenJennings: TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty.