As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
lmfao
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
What?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo