@JasonLastname: As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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@ThingsJackDigs: Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan
@KenJennings: Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.