@JasonLastname: As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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@Dutch_50: Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
@cjwerleman: Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
@CYComedy: Batman's Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.