@JasonLastname: As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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@stevezorz: Trump's gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn't keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
@just1fool: Always go into an interview high so they'll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You should cut the grass. Me: Yes, dear. W: And, you really need to trim that bush. M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too. W: What? M: Yes, dear.