As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Coffee is ready.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO