*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!