@chuuew: As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone.
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@lildandeli0n: [Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.
@McMcmadmac: My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
@panmidwest: [First Date] HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist? ME: Oh I'm not feminist at all! HER: ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
@briancthayer: Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack