As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Liquor Store Parking
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no