As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Godspeed, John Glenn
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty