As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.