@salamingia: As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I'm bad at irony.
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@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
@kumailn: Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."
@david8hughes: [first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
@curlycomedy: Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.