You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter