I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You Might Also Like
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray