me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
this is funnier than any friends episode
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.