On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Whoa 😂
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.