6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Every photo I’m tagged in
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.