* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: