I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Room with a view.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.