As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.