Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.