Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I found your tweet-up…
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.