@ElizaBayne: Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
@WheelTod: Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.