@ElizaBayne: Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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@SteveSuckington: [reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.
@Marlebean: Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.
@MakesYouGiggle: Netflix: Are you still there? Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
@truegritrumble: So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.