Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.