Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You Might Also Like
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking