I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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Who says great literature is dead?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer