@TheJustinDuncan: Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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@007Pepe_Rex: When you're in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn't slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
@lovstructionist: Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that! *walls fall over revealing secret lab*
@DonQuickoats: Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
@Contwixt: In truth, spiders are harmless* *Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.