@TheJustinDuncan: Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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@HeidiCF8: I'm going to write "I miss you" on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..
@TheDeadfishSays: "I don't want to make a spectacle..." Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
@nickcreelman: Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS