Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
reminder
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Knock Knock
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of