Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
She was REALLY feeling it.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son