Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Nice try Hitler
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.