Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The three genders
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
mood
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.