Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My birthstone is kidney
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]