Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.