Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.