Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.