Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
That lamp looks PISSED.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.