Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows