Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart