@pstamato: Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
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@Fickle_Filly: Colleagues who feel the need to say "You either love me or hate me!" are oblivious to the fact that it's always the latter.
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone
@AntozWolf: People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
@HelloCullen: I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution