*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’