I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
What if all the cashiers are married?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.