[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.