@Kelly_skeleton: Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
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@mellimelle: I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don't understand Math.
@ericsshadow: My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
@SamuelHLowe: - Do you take a shower after having sex? - Yes, of course. - Well, how about getting laid a little more often.