@Kelly_skeleton: Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
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@HansGrubertron: [Weights bench at the gym] ME: ...327...328...329... PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
@Staggfilms: ME: I like nerdy girls. HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass? ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
@patnspankme: I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.