@Kelly_skeleton: Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
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@SonOfCha: Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
@hippieswordfish: ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*