“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.