5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
You Might Also Like
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
when nothing goes right… go left
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me