asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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The best plant holders?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The Friday File.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Oh no
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I don’t think my car can fly
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT