asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
How I’d get arrested…
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Is this you?