Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.